Relationship Blind Spots Revealed: Beware of These Relationship-Destroying Habits

The Getting Real practices help us free ourselves from the fears and limited thinking of the ego-mind, so we can meet each new moment with our open, authentic, loving presence.

Your Relationship Blind Spots: Are You Guilty of These Relationship-destroying Habits?

We all have blind spots in our personalities that profoundly affect our intimate relationships. By that I mean: we have ways of focusing our attention and interpreting our experience that are biased due to our innate temperament, our childhood conditioning, and our sub-cluture. I may be biased toward imagining “what could go wrong if I say this to my partner.” Or I might have an automatic tendency to think I am about to be rejected or abandoned; or that my partner is blaming or criticizing me…..or putting me down….or not making me a priority.  If any of these things sound familiar, then at least you are self-aware enough to recognize the territory I am talking about here.

There are many paths to awakening from your personality-driven illusions, but I think the path of intimate relating is the quickest. I have found that it is very hard to see my blind spots when I am single and not too interdependent with anyone. When I am in an interdependent intimate relationship, however, I get to experience the painful or frustrating results of my blind spots. In a close relationship, I can’t avoid seeing how the strategies I typically use to avoid emotional pain and frustration do not work. My personality “control patterns” (such as explaining why I did something so my partner won’t be angry with me) only make things worse.  Such well-intentioned relationship habits do not help my partner feel closer with me. And over time, these habits may destroy the trust between us if not addressed.

All of my books address this issue in one way or another. Getting Real helps the reader notice: When am I communicating to relate my present felt experience (such as fear or hurt), and when am I communicating to control or manage the reaction I might get? Saying What’s Real helps the reader develop an awareness of those sensitive spots on your ego known as “triggers.” Truth in Dating shows how to take responsibility for the fact that some type of unprocessed emotional pain is at the root of your blind spots and insecurities. And Five-Minute Relationship Repair offers tools for repairing rifts in connection and restoring trust after a triggering event.

For this blog, I have put together a list of some of the most common relationship-destroying habits that I see in my couples counseling practice and in my own and my friends’ relationships. Look down this list and note which of these seem familiar. Which of these might possibly be things you do or have done? Which have been done to you by an intimate partner? It’s often easier to see things that are done by the other person than to see ourselves. That’s because they truly are blind spots. We need the other person’s help to see these tendencies in ourselves—even if this “help” doesn’t always feel good!

So here is my list of some common relationship-destroying habits:

1. Feeling hurt, disappointment, or anger about something your partner did, but instead of feeling your feelings, you make up a story about the other’s motives. This keeps you feeling in control, in a sense, because your story puts you in the position of judging or assessing the other rather than in the more vulnerable position of simply feeling what you feel. I recommend feeling what you feel, offering empathy and tenderness to yourself, and then clearing the air with your partner– letting him or her know what you felt, without blaming him for what you felt, and then asking for what you want in order to feel safe and connected again.

2. Giving up on asking for what you want. You ask for a certain type of attention from your partner, maybe even on a few different occasions, and your partner doesn’t give you what you want. So you (automatically, but mistakenly) conclude that he or she is not willing or able to give you this. And you give up. I recommend a couple things here: first, recognize that “giving up” or assuming you won’t get your needs met may be a self-protective habit designed to avoid feeling rejected or insignificant. The tools in my books offer help in recognizing such habits in yourself. Then, use the “revising” truth skill (from Getting Real): (1) confessing to your partner that you were on automatic last night, automatically protecting yourself and assuming s/he would not want to have sex (as an example); and (2) revealing that if you had been more aware of your real feelings you would have asked if s/he would like to make love—even at the risk of hearing No; (3) then asking for a hug or some other form of reassurance that you are loved or accepted.

3. Resenting your partner for asking, instead of just saying No. I know it’s not easy to say No when your partner asks for some type of time or help or attention and you feel unavailable to give this. Sometimes you might find yourself internally criticizing him or her for being too needy – when the fact is, you are free to say something like, “Gosh, I don’t’ have the bandwidth to do that right now,” or “I’m sorry honey, but my attention is on this other thing right now.” If you do not allow yourself the freedom to sometimes refuse a request, you could find yourself avoiding the relationship—for example, staying away from home so you can feel “free.” If you believe you need to go somewhere in order to feel free, this is obviously one of your blind spots.

I hope you can see from these few examples how easy it is to think one thing is true when actually this thing you think to be true is simply an ego-protective control pattern—and one you are blind to, until you begin to recognize a pattern.

I encourage you to get really interested in and curious about uncovering your blind spots. When you find yourself thinking, “I’ve been here before…this is a familiar painful or frustrating situation….why am I back in this situation again?” this means there’s a relationship blind spot under there somewhere. But don’t be in a hurry to name or label your pattern. The tendency to get on top of emotionally uncomfortable situations with facile interpretations can be strong (another blind spot). Instead, take an attitude of open-minded discovery—slowing down and looking inward anytime you experience any type of emotional discomfort. Feeling and “being with” your present felt experience (rather than labeling or explaining your experience) will offer a picture of reality that is more trustworthy.

What Happens in Couples Counseling?

Mostly, what happens in couples work is learning how to communicate in ways that are more vulnerable and less control-oriented. This creates a feeling of safety that allows for deeper intimacy and truth-telling. Couples learn to take responsibility for their own triggers and fear-stories; and to notice when they are using various automatic, unconscious ways of communicating. I call these automatic habits Control Patterns. Most people get excited and feel more empowered once they see and accept how much of their behavior is automatic. This frees them to be more spontaneous, vulnerable, funny, and real.

If you’re curious to learn more about what happens in couples counseling, get John Grey’s and my book, Five-Minute Relationship Repair.  Some say this book is a complete self-guided healing and intimacy course for couples.